Boring life at the moment

Hey guys!
It's been awhile since I blogged, but ALOT has happened!

OMG!!

Well my house is being re-done by Red Cross (since last years flood kinda wrecked our house)

Me and my grandma are staying at the Wesley trailers.

It's different…………………………………….3 meals a day, housekeeping once a week…………but the constant visitors u need to keep track and such. TBH it's kinds like i'm in rehab!!!!!!
Believe me I know the feeling!(it's a long story lol!)

I mean I want my boyfriend to sleep over some nights, but it seems like there is a strict rule about that not happening. This place is suppose to give us a home, make it feel like home……………if I can't do that then it dosent feel like home, u kno?

I can't even drink here!!!!!!!!!
But you know what!?
I sneak my beers in LOL!!!!

Well next step……………..sneak boyfriend in or I will throw a fit!!!!!LOL (But really I will do that)

RED CROSS should get there shit done quickly! I wanna go HOME!!!!!

The trailers feel so small (is so small, since I have so much clothes!)

Well whatever, Ill tell you more tomorrow. I'm just kinda tired right now!

Goodnite!

xoxo

Being Man and Woman at The Same Time

I think it's time, to become the ULTIMATE WOMEN!

You know? able to do everything and anything.

Basically being the man and the woman in the relationship, maybe this means I should buy a vibrator? lol!

I know it's possible, I've seen women do it before, I just gotta learn how they can do it! I wanna be strong like them, like Jamie. But I just don't know how to do it? I need tips, advice. But they are my inspiration.

I know Kane can't be the man I need now, he needs some time to grow in it. (since he's younger than me)
Maybe I need to be everything for both of us, just in tell he grows into it or till he notices that he needs to grow up?

I've seen plenty of other of women do this, actually they inspire me, Jamie, my grandma, Sami. the list goes on. And I know it can be done.

To me it's called being a strong powerful woman.
Something that's important to me to live by.

Kane's ideas of money making and life are a joke. sadly. 
He already gave all of his income support money to D and his mom, and nothing was gained.
I knew this was gonna happen. Even if I spoke up it wouldn't have made a difference. By all of this past and experience, it makes me think I need to be both man and woman in the relationship. Because I'm the only one that thinks about the numbers, the budget, the future, and life.

In a way it can make me feel in power, and in control.

I just wish I wasn't doing this alone. But I guess I have to for now, just to keep us afloat.

I just wish someone hits Kane with a frying pan, and that he knows that he has to grow up and help me, improve our lives,and get us to where we want to be in life.

But I'm all by myself. it has a lot of stress on me. But I know this needs to get done.

I hate being alone in all of this.

I just wish Kane knew how all this stresses me, and I just wished he helped out.

I hate how he keeps taking off just for D, and trusting him enough to give him all of his money. I hate how he keeps talking that education is important but when I try to get him to school, he gets cranky, lazy, or mad at me.

I keep trying to push him to do what he says what he wants to do or get done. But I feel like he always gets mad at me for doing it.

So I should keep things to myself, if he fails on his own it's his fault. I just need us to get through the day, our life.

And I believe I can do that because other woman I look up too has done that before.

I hope I'm strong like them, like Jamie.

I just hope I can be strong like them.

Here's me being STRONG

xoxo

Auction/Garage Sale coming up soon!

Well surprise surprise!

Kane hasn't come back from last night (he's probable out drinking again)
He ignores my texts and everything (what a guy)
But whatever, if he doesn't show up tonight then it's not my fault if he gets yelled at by the teacher tomorrow for not showing up.

I've been thinking I want to do the buy and sell thing on ebay, It makes great money. But I just don't know how to start?

Maybe I need to get nicer things like designer and sell them?

It's kind of motivating but where the hell am I going to get the money to buy the stuff first?
That's the problem.

I need to start out slow, sell my own stuff first than work from there.

To be honest, I don't even wear half of the clothes in my closet anymore (and they are in good use still, like new!)
I need a way to make money off it.

Maybe a garage sale?

or Auction?

IDK 

It's most likely all of this will be in Morley (my hometown)

IDK I need to work out all of this yet. I have the items But I just don't know where to start?

Well if I come up with anymore ideas I'll let you know!

I'll keep you posted!!

xoxo

Stupid Ideas and Waste of Money

Well yesterday was a roller coaster ride.

Let's just say I got upset with Kane for going back on his word. But honestly I shouldn't have been all that surprise. It always happens.

He left to his mom's house. I thought it was gonna be quick and D called for him so I thought it was harmless. But than he came back at 9 kind of drunk wanting to borrow something of mines and go back to the house. He told me they invited him to a barbecue. At this point I thought this was a slap in the face. He promised me he would be a better boyfriend, and that all this bullshit would stop, but here it was back on course. Kane would make a promise and keep to it for a week or 2, then either D or someone get him to do something than he goes back to his old ways.

I'm just tired of the promises he hasn't kept, to be honest I don't trust his word anymore. I need to see it to believe it now.

I just wish these people didn't have such a hold over him. He needs to improve his life but these people are just bringing him down and making him be in the same place.

But I still haven't given up on him.

I know how hard it is to change because I'm going through it myself. But the difference between me and him is that I know what's bringing me down and I think things through, I keep my promises, I keep moving forward and keep getting things done, and I know how to say no.

Let's just say yesterday I was doing a lot of thinking.
I'm always the one cleaning up his messes including mine. And he needs to start seeing that. Cause I'm the one that has to use my own money to get the car (even though he said he was gonna pay for it), how I noticed this is that first he promised his social check to me, than after a couple weeks he wants to sell weed and only give me $40 out of the profit for the car.

Well then that's gonna take a lot time for saving up just only $40 at a time to get $2500. I need the car by this summer! He needs a new plan! But of course I know this isn't him talking, it sounds like D talking.

I don't trust this plan, I don't trust D. It sounds like the exact same thing like last year and all Kane got was screwed over.

Let's just say Kane gave D $700 for weed so he can sell it. D got the weed sold some and never gave Kane a single cent!!!!! NOTHING!!!

PLUS!!
Kane bought him some sort of hunting gun? All because D wanted it. Money wasted, nothing was gained through this.

I was so angry when I found all of this out, I demanded he get his money back but of course he put up a fight and defended D. Now he regrets buying him those stuff and wishes he listened to me. Well I did warn him. Now it's all up to me to pay the bills, to get the groceries, and to make sure he have money to survive the month. And he feels bad that he can't help.

It's like talking to a WALL!!
No wonder why I drink!!
I have so much stress on my plate, and not the good ones I want!

Kane is not here right now, he is at his mom's house because D called for him again (like always)
I'm just here writing this blog and going through the budget (again), and going through this month's and next month's things that need to get done. And I'm also watching House just to take my mind of of things at the same time.

I always feel like every time Kane goes to his mom's house D has more influence to him, and he brings back his stupid ideas and shitty attitude back home so that I have to deal with it.

IT'S CALLED COMMON SENSE!!!
People should use it more often!

Looks like I have to be the brain for both of us until he can finally see that he has his own brain to use. Well at least I have something to look forward too, I'm having a couple of beers later so it can take the edge off. Kane will probable get mad, but you know what! I don't care, I've been working very hard and I deserve a break once in a while!

I'll keep you posted!

xoxo

Wow, I didn't know I can get annoyed, I think?

Well just finished sorting out my files, let's just say my office is half way completed.

But still a lot of work to-do (as part of my new routine.)

Today I figured out one of my pet peeves.

While we were at school (and the school is closed for spring break) I noticed I was the only one that was working on my assignments, while Kane was just on the computer just wasting time and not doing any work for 5 hours! (and believe me we are way behind on our work since our tests are in June)

BUT IT DROVE ME CRAZY!!!!!
And of course I didn't say anything……. Like always…..

I can see it now, when the teacher tells him the deadline is coming up, he will panic and worry, he will start to blame me for how I let happen to let him get way behind, he will give up, and have to restart his classes all over again.

Well I shouldn't worry about that yet. It's still to early.

Now time to make some dinner, do some homework, go through my day planner, organize my purse, my school bag, my bedroom and the list goes on. All by watching a House marathon all at the same time.

What can I say!

I LOVE that show!!!

xoxo

Another Day Same Rant

Well today was okay.
But I think I'm going against my budget plan…….. sadly……… because of my habit.
Well whatever it's saturday, sue me.

Got into a fight with Kane in the middle of walmart because of it. But how I saw it, it wasn't fair. This was gonna be my last hurrah day than next week I'll be serious about this whole cutting back thing. (Yeah I know how that sounds but in my case he still has his birthday weed from thursday)

Well whatever I stood my ground in walmart (in the magazine section) and he ditches me to go find my grandma than comes back to me and says to me to go see her, she than gives me the money and says to quit getting mad. I wasn't getting mad. I was just tryna prove my point!

Well whatever I got what I want (except for the label maker I wanted) and Kane got his stupid Dark Souls 2 game.

But you know what bothers me?

Not the fact he said no to buying my beer (since I lost my ID a week ago)

But the fact I do everything for him and he doesn't notice it!

I buy his weed for him, I buy the groceries, I buy the insurance for the car, I buy the gas, I buy his games for him, I pay the bills, I clean, I cook for him.

How is that fair!

And yet all he does is play games and take off with his no life friends and gives me no help. Especially since he wrecked my car. (Which added to the pile of things to do/pay off)

It always feels like I need to clean up his messes (sadly)

But I have to keep trying, my luck will come up soon.

I love Kane, I love his personality and the way he is. He just acts the way he does because of his messed up mom (I think she messed them up on how to be messed up life)

It will get better soon, it has too.

xoxo
Sky Scream

Hate car accidents

Well on sunday me and Kane got into a car accident. Were okay just some bumps and bruises. But let's just say my car is not drivable.

I'm so stressed out!!!!
We have so much bills to pay and now this is added to the pile.
We don't have the money to pay this but my only choice is to ask my grandparents to help me out (and there scary to deal with) either to repair the car or buy me a new one. I hate asking them for this (since it was them that bought me the car in the first place) but I'm willing to work out a payment plan with them (since I don't have the money to pay for it upfront) oh god I hope they understand!

This is what happened:
Kane was driving and it was late at night. He didn't see the road and we went into the ditch and hit a couple of trees.
Thank god! I was wearing my seatbelt! I would of been thrown out of the windshield!!!
Thank my lucky stars!!!

But now we have to deal with this, we need a car.
Kane promised me he will put all of his money into repairing my car or getting me a new one. I hope soon!

OMG this whole thing has been so stressful! We have so much bills to pay but with little money to pay it.
I've read almost every budgeting book out there and none has worked for me.
This sucks!!!
And plus my grandparents are gonna doubt/judge me for my mistake. (I can hear the lecture now and there disappointing face)

Oh well 
I'm gonna have to deal with this. (which I'm not looking forward too)
But I have to learn from my mistake.

Just wish me luck on all this.

xoxo
Sky Scream

Rant for weeks slash trouble with mother-in-laws

Let's just say lately I've been off track of everything I wanted to do. I'm embarrassed……

Lately I've been on a drinking binge for a straight week, I'm disappointed in myself. I was suppose to go to school, I was suppose to get stuff done, I was suppose to start and finish projects. But I wasted my week.

I guess the reason why I drink is cause I get frustrated. 

Here's one of the reasons why:

Well I've been having problems with my boyfriend Kane.
All I want is for him to be a man and get shit done like he always says he's gonna do.
I mean he always goes to his mom's house everyday and just stays there doing nothing, I mean I GET IT!!!
You have a close relationship with your mom but there's only so much that it becomes unhealthy.

He constantly does everything for her, and this is what causes most of our fights.

Here is what I really want to say to him:

Your mom is a grown woman, she is still young. But the way she raised you is kind of twisted.
She has 8 kids, it's not your responsibility to raise them it's her, your the kid and she's the mom. If she can't handle raising her kids then she should quit opening her legs to guys that make fake promises to her and that can't even take care of her! You pay for her bills, you take her places, you watch the kids, you get her food, you do this and that! there's only so much stupidity I can take!!!!!

I mean I do things for my family when they ask me, but my family tries not to ask so much because they know they have to do it themselves, they only ask when they can't do it and if it's urgent and got nobody to turn to. I have support from my family but they always encourage me to do things for myself, to be my own person and to learn from my experiences.

But Kane you need to understand that what your mom is doing and raising her kids is wrong, it's not right.
Your mom easily makes a ton of money from the kids child tax and social, she can easily pay her bills, buy a car, get food and clothes for her kids. But instead she lets D take all her money and gives nothing to the kids. I don't know if this is a way just to keep her boyfriend with her (since he has no interest in taking in 8 kinds fathered by 2 guys)

I mean it's just pathetic!

And Since D got out of jail your whole attitude has changed from last year.
We use to be able to drink together and everything would just be fine but ever since he came out and everything you drink with me now, you freak out at me!!! And I noticed this ever since that bastard came out of jail.

I don't know what you see in him? Do you think he is a father figure? Do you think he is a Man?
A man that beats your mom, takes all her money for himself, that does nothing all day, that does not work or try to do anything, that gives nothing to your siblings except for his own kid, that has nothing going for his life except for trying to be gangster. Do you think that's a man? Some Man!!!!

Your mom has chances to make her home a better (livable) home. She can get real beds for her kids and make real rooms for them instead of it being a free for all (basically if you find the place to sleep then you sleep), she can get a real living room and a real kitchen. I mean there are places that helps families get all this, resources. But your mom is to lazy to even try! She always makes the baby an excuse or she makes people feel sorry for her. She's show's no interest in trying to help herself and her family. She needs to smarten up, grow up and take up her responsibility.

I mean seriously I've met harder working moms who have 1 or 2 jobs and go to school full-time. And al there doing is just tryna give better lives to there kids. Those kind of moms I give respect to.

I'm not tryna diss your mom or anything but all I'm tryna tell you is to stay home more get your own shit done, do stuff less for her, show her that her actions are not acceptable. Because deep down inside you know it's not right. I mean imagine, if I started to do that to our kid if we broke up. You would be so angry!

All I'm saying is that she needs to learn to do things for herself, and not getting everybody to do it for her.

I mean I always try to help you and guide you to do things for yourself, try to let you be your own person, with your own thoughts. But it gets harder when your mother always interferes with our lives. 

And the fact you don't notice this makes me so frustrated!

I mean you always tell me you want to do this or you want to try that or what kind of man you want to be, but honestly how can you if she keeps interfering with you and not making you live your life!

Honestly

I'm getting tired of caving, I'm getting tired of fighting over the same things over and over again.




Well thats why I'm frustrated!

I get so mad at myself because when i get so close to telling him this, he always freaks out at the beginning so that I can't tell him everything.

ugh this is driving me crazy!!!!

well till next time!!!

xoxo
Sky Scream