Being Man and Woman at The Same Time

I think it's time, to become the ULTIMATE WOMEN!

You know? able to do everything and anything.

Basically being the man and the woman in the relationship, maybe this means I should buy a vibrator? lol!

I know it's possible, I've seen women do it before, I just gotta learn how they can do it! I wanna be strong like them, like Jamie. But I just don't know how to do it? I need tips, advice. But they are my inspiration.

I know Kane can't be the man I need now, he needs some time to grow in it. (since he's younger than me)
Maybe I need to be everything for both of us, just in tell he grows into it or till he notices that he needs to grow up?

I've seen plenty of other of women do this, actually they inspire me, Jamie, my grandma, Sami. the list goes on. And I know it can be done.

To me it's called being a strong powerful woman.
Something that's important to me to live by.

Kane's ideas of money making and life are a joke. sadly. 
He already gave all of his income support money to D and his mom, and nothing was gained.
I knew this was gonna happen. Even if I spoke up it wouldn't have made a difference. By all of this past and experience, it makes me think I need to be both man and woman in the relationship. Because I'm the only one that thinks about the numbers, the budget, the future, and life.

In a way it can make me feel in power, and in control.

I just wish I wasn't doing this alone. But I guess I have to for now, just to keep us afloat.

I just wish someone hits Kane with a frying pan, and that he knows that he has to grow up and help me, improve our lives,and get us to where we want to be in life.

But I'm all by myself. it has a lot of stress on me. But I know this needs to get done.

I hate being alone in all of this.

I just wish Kane knew how all this stresses me, and I just wished he helped out.

I hate how he keeps taking off just for D, and trusting him enough to give him all of his money. I hate how he keeps talking that education is important but when I try to get him to school, he gets cranky, lazy, or mad at me.

I keep trying to push him to do what he says what he wants to do or get done. But I feel like he always gets mad at me for doing it.

So I should keep things to myself, if he fails on his own it's his fault. I just need us to get through the day, our life.

And I believe I can do that because other woman I look up too has done that before.

I hope I'm strong like them, like Jamie.

I just hope I can be strong like them.

Here's me being STRONG

xoxo

Stupid Ideas and Waste of Money

Well yesterday was a roller coaster ride.

Let's just say I got upset with Kane for going back on his word. But honestly I shouldn't have been all that surprise. It always happens.

He left to his mom's house. I thought it was gonna be quick and D called for him so I thought it was harmless. But than he came back at 9 kind of drunk wanting to borrow something of mines and go back to the house. He told me they invited him to a barbecue. At this point I thought this was a slap in the face. He promised me he would be a better boyfriend, and that all this bullshit would stop, but here it was back on course. Kane would make a promise and keep to it for a week or 2, then either D or someone get him to do something than he goes back to his old ways.

I'm just tired of the promises he hasn't kept, to be honest I don't trust his word anymore. I need to see it to believe it now.

I just wish these people didn't have such a hold over him. He needs to improve his life but these people are just bringing him down and making him be in the same place.

But I still haven't given up on him.

I know how hard it is to change because I'm going through it myself. But the difference between me and him is that I know what's bringing me down and I think things through, I keep my promises, I keep moving forward and keep getting things done, and I know how to say no.

Let's just say yesterday I was doing a lot of thinking.
I'm always the one cleaning up his messes including mine. And he needs to start seeing that. Cause I'm the one that has to use my own money to get the car (even though he said he was gonna pay for it), how I noticed this is that first he promised his social check to me, than after a couple weeks he wants to sell weed and only give me $40 out of the profit for the car.

Well then that's gonna take a lot time for saving up just only $40 at a time to get $2500. I need the car by this summer! He needs a new plan! But of course I know this isn't him talking, it sounds like D talking.

I don't trust this plan, I don't trust D. It sounds like the exact same thing like last year and all Kane got was screwed over.

Let's just say Kane gave D $700 for weed so he can sell it. D got the weed sold some and never gave Kane a single cent!!!!! NOTHING!!!

PLUS!!
Kane bought him some sort of hunting gun? All because D wanted it. Money wasted, nothing was gained through this.

I was so angry when I found all of this out, I demanded he get his money back but of course he put up a fight and defended D. Now he regrets buying him those stuff and wishes he listened to me. Well I did warn him. Now it's all up to me to pay the bills, to get the groceries, and to make sure he have money to survive the month. And he feels bad that he can't help.

It's like talking to a WALL!!
No wonder why I drink!!
I have so much stress on my plate, and not the good ones I want!

Kane is not here right now, he is at his mom's house because D called for him again (like always)
I'm just here writing this blog and going through the budget (again), and going through this month's and next month's things that need to get done. And I'm also watching House just to take my mind of of things at the same time.

I always feel like every time Kane goes to his mom's house D has more influence to him, and he brings back his stupid ideas and shitty attitude back home so that I have to deal with it.

IT'S CALLED COMMON SENSE!!!
People should use it more often!

Looks like I have to be the brain for both of us until he can finally see that he has his own brain to use. Well at least I have something to look forward too, I'm having a couple of beers later so it can take the edge off. Kane will probable get mad, but you know what! I don't care, I've been working very hard and I deserve a break once in a while!

I'll keep you posted!

xoxo

Morning and life shit!

Ok well today has been confusing?
I did everything that was suppose to be done and yet I'm still confused?
Me and Kane
- woke up
- talked to each other
- had our tea
-got ready for the day
- kissed him "good luck on his day" Than he left for work.
And I did my errands for the day.
Isn't life suppose to be like this? (like in the movies and stuffs?)
Why do I feel like something is missing?

I shouldn't be talking. I'm trying to get my life straight as it is. But inside me it always feels like i'm missing something (and i don't know what at the moment).

Well the only way to figure that out is to tell you about my days till i figure it out!!!!!!!

Well today I had to be in Calgary by 11am.
I slept on the ride and I was a lil bit hungover from the night before.
AND IF YOU REALLY KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I WON'T DO SHIT TILL 11 OR 11:30! 
I DON'T DO SHIT BEFORE 10!!!!!!!!!!!
(I MEAN DRINKING! YOU PERVERTS! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT?!?!) 

Yeah I admit I have a drinking problem, But I'll start on my new routine next week! (only drink on weekends!)

This new plan can help so much! (Hopefully)


Yeah, yeah I made this promise to myself before………
But this time I plan to stick to it,
I wanna have a better life than this and this is the only way.
And also I promised my Kane
Sometimes I just want to give up but than I remember he has my back and he is always on my side.
Looks like I have to get use to the feeling.

Since I was homeless and a street kid when I was a teenager.
But times do change, everything changes for everyone.
I just gotta learn to accept it.

xoxo
till next time!

Sky Scream

Drunk boyfriends

Drunk boyfriends are annoying and they cost most fights, let me give you a tip! When they leave the room get as drunk as they are then pass out!!!!!
Pick your poison! There's are just some of my favourites! ;)