2018 update, new date lol

Well it's been this long since i've been back.

2 years I think?

LOL whatever, at least I'm back.

Ive changed a lot, I'll admit I was a hard drinker (like everyday hardcore), and I was to smoke everyday (more like to every 45 mins a day). But I cut down a huge amount in October. And now everyone is so surprised I made these so "hardcore" decisions. It wasn't hard for me to do all that. I was never really addicted. Smoking or liquor. I just had a unhealthy habit, dealing with problems or emotions like this.
But now i was down, finished, it all bore me. I quit within the first week. I was really bored.

Now strangely, I developed a online shopping addiction, lol (well better than before lol!)
Bet those who know me, asked me, how I kicked it.
Well all I can say......... I was never addicted. I know myself, I was just bored. I even quit cigarettes, it wasn't hard. Like I said, I was bored.

Thats one of the things I hate about me, and love.

Normal people will have some sort of addiction, that will cause them trouble.
I'm not, I just get very bored. I'm not weak-minded. I sort of wished i was.
I'm saying this, cause my family is going thru this problem. I wish i can lend them my strength, mentally.

Well thanks for hearing my rant for tonight.

Sky

Update August

Hey you! 

Wow! It's been so long since I blogged, I promise to keep you up to date from now on!

Well, Ive gotten extensions put in my hair............and I LOVE THEM!!!!!
I joined World Health gym, and I got a personal trainer! It's the best! I mean the amount of money I spend a month is actually worth it!

But this summer I've been in this youth program (It's suppose to put you in different jobs to gain work experience. But it's SHIT! They really need to hire some people to run this program because the people doing it now have no clue what there doing!) But an easy way to earn cash I guess?

Oh yeah! 
And my cousin Tia came to live with me and my great aunt.
I'm not gonna complain she has been a big help! She cleans and cooks, and keeps my grandmother (great aunt) happy. And it's nice to have some one young like I am around the house.
Gotta give props to my cousin Tia for making my life less stressful!

But lately I've had no cash on me because bills built up over the summer. OMG this is the first that ever happened! I now understand why people say I wish I was a kid again! Same here!!!

I still want things, I want to improve in my life, I got one done (working out 4 times a week). But (yeah i gotta admit when I'm bored I drink) cut down and do something that will keep me busy. BUT HEY! At least I'm making baby steps to improve my life! It's hard I gotta admit! I have low self discipline ( and YES I hate myself for that!) But baby steps you know, baby steps.

I'm not saying I have a problem, it;s just i'm ADHD and I gotta have something todo to keep me busy. And believe me, on the rez you can get extremely BORED!!!!!!! So yeah, I'm trying to come up with other options for me to do. It's been hard. But at least I haven't given up!

Anyways at the moment it's 1:58 am and I'm watching Jeepers Creepers 2. And I'm kinda getting creeped out LOL!

But anyways my upcoming posts will be more me............if you catch my drift! With pics and shit I mean LOL! 

Anyways I'll keep you posted!!!! PROMISE!!!!!!!

XOXO

Stupid Ideas and Waste of Money

Well yesterday was a roller coaster ride.

Let's just say I got upset with Kane for going back on his word. But honestly I shouldn't have been all that surprise. It always happens.

He left to his mom's house. I thought it was gonna be quick and D called for him so I thought it was harmless. But than he came back at 9 kind of drunk wanting to borrow something of mines and go back to the house. He told me they invited him to a barbecue. At this point I thought this was a slap in the face. He promised me he would be a better boyfriend, and that all this bullshit would stop, but here it was back on course. Kane would make a promise and keep to it for a week or 2, then either D or someone get him to do something than he goes back to his old ways.

I'm just tired of the promises he hasn't kept, to be honest I don't trust his word anymore. I need to see it to believe it now.

I just wish these people didn't have such a hold over him. He needs to improve his life but these people are just bringing him down and making him be in the same place.

But I still haven't given up on him.

I know how hard it is to change because I'm going through it myself. But the difference between me and him is that I know what's bringing me down and I think things through, I keep my promises, I keep moving forward and keep getting things done, and I know how to say no.

Let's just say yesterday I was doing a lot of thinking.
I'm always the one cleaning up his messes including mine. And he needs to start seeing that. Cause I'm the one that has to use my own money to get the car (even though he said he was gonna pay for it), how I noticed this is that first he promised his social check to me, than after a couple weeks he wants to sell weed and only give me $40 out of the profit for the car.

Well then that's gonna take a lot time for saving up just only $40 at a time to get $2500. I need the car by this summer! He needs a new plan! But of course I know this isn't him talking, it sounds like D talking.

I don't trust this plan, I don't trust D. It sounds like the exact same thing like last year and all Kane got was screwed over.

Let's just say Kane gave D $700 for weed so he can sell it. D got the weed sold some and never gave Kane a single cent!!!!! NOTHING!!!

PLUS!!
Kane bought him some sort of hunting gun? All because D wanted it. Money wasted, nothing was gained through this.

I was so angry when I found all of this out, I demanded he get his money back but of course he put up a fight and defended D. Now he regrets buying him those stuff and wishes he listened to me. Well I did warn him. Now it's all up to me to pay the bills, to get the groceries, and to make sure he have money to survive the month. And he feels bad that he can't help.

It's like talking to a WALL!!
No wonder why I drink!!
I have so much stress on my plate, and not the good ones I want!

Kane is not here right now, he is at his mom's house because D called for him again (like always)
I'm just here writing this blog and going through the budget (again), and going through this month's and next month's things that need to get done. And I'm also watching House just to take my mind of of things at the same time.

I always feel like every time Kane goes to his mom's house D has more influence to him, and he brings back his stupid ideas and shitty attitude back home so that I have to deal with it.

IT'S CALLED COMMON SENSE!!!
People should use it more often!

Looks like I have to be the brain for both of us until he can finally see that he has his own brain to use. Well at least I have something to look forward too, I'm having a couple of beers later so it can take the edge off. Kane will probable get mad, but you know what! I don't care, I've been working very hard and I deserve a break once in a while!

I'll keep you posted!

xoxo

Another Day Same Rant

Well today was okay.
But I think I'm going against my budget plan…….. sadly……… because of my habit.
Well whatever it's saturday, sue me.

Got into a fight with Kane in the middle of walmart because of it. But how I saw it, it wasn't fair. This was gonna be my last hurrah day than next week I'll be serious about this whole cutting back thing. (Yeah I know how that sounds but in my case he still has his birthday weed from thursday)

Well whatever I stood my ground in walmart (in the magazine section) and he ditches me to go find my grandma than comes back to me and says to me to go see her, she than gives me the money and says to quit getting mad. I wasn't getting mad. I was just tryna prove my point!

Well whatever I got what I want (except for the label maker I wanted) and Kane got his stupid Dark Souls 2 game.

But you know what bothers me?

Not the fact he said no to buying my beer (since I lost my ID a week ago)

But the fact I do everything for him and he doesn't notice it!

I buy his weed for him, I buy the groceries, I buy the insurance for the car, I buy the gas, I buy his games for him, I pay the bills, I clean, I cook for him.

How is that fair!

And yet all he does is play games and take off with his no life friends and gives me no help. Especially since he wrecked my car. (Which added to the pile of things to do/pay off)

It always feels like I need to clean up his messes (sadly)

But I have to keep trying, my luck will come up soon.

I love Kane, I love his personality and the way he is. He just acts the way he does because of his messed up mom (I think she messed them up on how to be messed up life)

It will get better soon, it has too.

xoxo
Sky Scream

Rant for weeks slash trouble with mother-in-laws

Let's just say lately I've been off track of everything I wanted to do. I'm embarrassed……

Lately I've been on a drinking binge for a straight week, I'm disappointed in myself. I was suppose to go to school, I was suppose to get stuff done, I was suppose to start and finish projects. But I wasted my week.

I guess the reason why I drink is cause I get frustrated. 

Here's one of the reasons why:

Well I've been having problems with my boyfriend Kane.
All I want is for him to be a man and get shit done like he always says he's gonna do.
I mean he always goes to his mom's house everyday and just stays there doing nothing, I mean I GET IT!!!
You have a close relationship with your mom but there's only so much that it becomes unhealthy.

He constantly does everything for her, and this is what causes most of our fights.

Here is what I really want to say to him:

Your mom is a grown woman, she is still young. But the way she raised you is kind of twisted.
She has 8 kids, it's not your responsibility to raise them it's her, your the kid and she's the mom. If she can't handle raising her kids then she should quit opening her legs to guys that make fake promises to her and that can't even take care of her! You pay for her bills, you take her places, you watch the kids, you get her food, you do this and that! there's only so much stupidity I can take!!!!!

I mean I do things for my family when they ask me, but my family tries not to ask so much because they know they have to do it themselves, they only ask when they can't do it and if it's urgent and got nobody to turn to. I have support from my family but they always encourage me to do things for myself, to be my own person and to learn from my experiences.

But Kane you need to understand that what your mom is doing and raising her kids is wrong, it's not right.
Your mom easily makes a ton of money from the kids child tax and social, she can easily pay her bills, buy a car, get food and clothes for her kids. But instead she lets D take all her money and gives nothing to the kids. I don't know if this is a way just to keep her boyfriend with her (since he has no interest in taking in 8 kinds fathered by 2 guys)

I mean it's just pathetic!

And Since D got out of jail your whole attitude has changed from last year.
We use to be able to drink together and everything would just be fine but ever since he came out and everything you drink with me now, you freak out at me!!! And I noticed this ever since that bastard came out of jail.

I don't know what you see in him? Do you think he is a father figure? Do you think he is a Man?
A man that beats your mom, takes all her money for himself, that does nothing all day, that does not work or try to do anything, that gives nothing to your siblings except for his own kid, that has nothing going for his life except for trying to be gangster. Do you think that's a man? Some Man!!!!

Your mom has chances to make her home a better (livable) home. She can get real beds for her kids and make real rooms for them instead of it being a free for all (basically if you find the place to sleep then you sleep), she can get a real living room and a real kitchen. I mean there are places that helps families get all this, resources. But your mom is to lazy to even try! She always makes the baby an excuse or she makes people feel sorry for her. She's show's no interest in trying to help herself and her family. She needs to smarten up, grow up and take up her responsibility.

I mean seriously I've met harder working moms who have 1 or 2 jobs and go to school full-time. And al there doing is just tryna give better lives to there kids. Those kind of moms I give respect to.

I'm not tryna diss your mom or anything but all I'm tryna tell you is to stay home more get your own shit done, do stuff less for her, show her that her actions are not acceptable. Because deep down inside you know it's not right. I mean imagine, if I started to do that to our kid if we broke up. You would be so angry!

All I'm saying is that she needs to learn to do things for herself, and not getting everybody to do it for her.

I mean I always try to help you and guide you to do things for yourself, try to let you be your own person, with your own thoughts. But it gets harder when your mother always interferes with our lives. 

And the fact you don't notice this makes me so frustrated!

I mean you always tell me you want to do this or you want to try that or what kind of man you want to be, but honestly how can you if she keeps interfering with you and not making you live your life!

Honestly

I'm getting tired of caving, I'm getting tired of fighting over the same things over and over again.




Well thats why I'm frustrated!

I get so mad at myself because when i get so close to telling him this, he always freaks out at the beginning so that I can't tell him everything.

ugh this is driving me crazy!!!!

well till next time!!!

xoxo
Sky Scream